(Jeremy Clarkson, November 7 2021, The Sunday Times)?
I never really understood the enormous car crash that Tiger Woods had in February. Sure, police say he was driving at more than 80mph when he lost control, but it was a wide road and he’s a thrusting young man with a thriving pant compass and a sharp mind so the speed shouldn’t have been a factor.
我从来都不太理解泰格·伍兹二月份出的那场大车祸。当然了，警察说他的车失控时时速高达129公里，但是那条路很宽，而他也是一位欲望旺盛且思维敏捷的朝气蓬勃的年轻人，所以这个速度不应该会引发失控。
What’s more relevant is that he hit the central reservation and careered across the road before hitting a tree at what experts say was 75mph. So he obviously hadn’t braked very hard in the meantime. And then he rolled over several times before emerging from the wreckage with nothing more than a hurty leg. Like I say, it’s odd.
对我来说更重要的是他撞上了中央隔离带，偏到了对向车道，然后以专家所说的120公里的时速撞上了树。所以他在这过程中没怎么用刹车。而之后他翻滚了几次，然后就拖着一条伤腿，其他部分毫发无伤地从车的残骸中出来了。就像我所说的，这件事很蹊跷。
I never really understood the car he was driving either. We were told by local news teams in California that it was a “Genesis” and I assumed it was one of those idiotic offshoot brands, like Saturn, that General Motors dreams up in its forward strategy outreach deep-dive seminars. Why Genesis? Because Pink Floyd had their name fully legalled and Yes sounded weird.
而我也不太理解他所驾驶的那台车。加州当地的新闻团队和我说这车叫“捷尼赛思”，而我就以为这是一个冒着傻气的子品牌，就像通用汽车在它那一系列“前进战略深耕拓展市场”的交流研讨会上自我陶醉出来的那个土星一样（通用子品牌，已于2009年破产——译注）。但为什么要叫它“捷尼赛思”呢？因为平克·弗洛伊德和Yes都已经为他们的名字加上版权保护了吧（Yes、平克·弗洛伊德和创世纪均为英国摇滚乐队，“捷尼赛思”英文Genesis同创世纪乐队名称——译注）。
I was wrong, though. Genesis is actually a South Korean invention, created by Hyundai to do what Lexus did for Toyota. And now, after some modifications to make it more suitable for European roads, it’s on sale in the UK.
但我却是大错特错。捷尼赛思这个牌子实际上来自韩国，现代汽车想通过这个牌子达成雷克萨斯之于丰田的效果。而现在，在针对欧洲的路况做出些许调校之后，这辆车被引入了英国市场。
I tried the top-of-the-range four-wheel-drive GV80 and it was immediately obvious what Hyundai has done. They’ve built a machine that looks very Bentlish, with lots of chrome on the outside and lots of soft leather on the inside, and they’re hoping that this aesthetic and tactile double whammy, along with the new name — Gong, was it? — will be enough to drag Euro businessmen out of their Audis and Volvos and BMWs and Mercedes.
我试驾了一辆顶级配置加四驱的GV80，并立即明白了现代究竟做了什么。他们做出了一台看起来十分宾利的，外表包裹着闪亮镀铬而车内包裹着柔软皮革的车子。他们希望能用这么一辆在美学和材质方面都不怎么样的车，配合上他们赋予的一个新名字——好像是“宫”吧？——来从奥迪、沃尔沃、宝马和奔驰na里吸引到更多的商务人士选择这辆车。
Don’t mock. Sure, Nissan failed miserably to pull off a similar trick with its Infiniti brand but at a cost of just eleventy trillion dollars, Toyota did make it work with Lexus. And Hyundai is on a roll at the moment. Some of their ordinary cars are extremely good and the hot N versions are absolutely brilliant. The new Barclay James Harvest GV80, though, isn’t. It’s a terrible car.
不过先别急着取笑它。诚然，日产想要效仿丰田搞出来的品牌英菲尼迪迎来了悲剧性的惨败，但是另一边的丰田却“仅”以天价盘活了自家的品牌雷克萨斯。而此时现代也迎来了自己的光辉时刻。他们生产的一些普通车型相当不错，而他们出品的N系列性能车更是绝妙。然而这辆“巴克雷·詹姆斯·哈韦斯特”GV80则并不在此列。这辆车糟透了。（巴克雷·詹姆斯·哈韦斯特也是一支英国摇滚乐队——译注）
Mainly this is because they’ve given it something called “road preview technology”, which means that cameras scan the road surface ahead and when the electronic watchman notices a bump or a pothole coming along, he instructs the suspension to make sure the occupants don’t feel anything.
这主要是因为他们在这辆车上塞进去了一套名叫“预感知电子控制悬架”的系统，这套系统中有若干个摄像头扫描前方的道路，当它们检测到路面前方的土坎和坑洞时，系统就会向悬架系统发出调节信号来确保车内的人感受不到路面的坑洼。
It simply doesn’t work. Even in “comfort” mode, this car rides like a light aircraft in a tropical thunderstorm, heaving and crashing and lurching on even smooth bits of tarmac. It’s not the most uncomfortable car I’ve ever driven because I’ve driven a Nissan GT-R Nismo, but it’s close. Certainly I’d keep a few sick bags in the glovebox, because if you have passengers on board you’re going to need them.
这系统单纯就是没法用。即使调节到“舒适”模式，坐在这车上还是感觉就像在热带雷雨风暴里乘坐一架小型飞机一样，即使在平整的柏油路上还是能感觉到忽上忽下的反复颠簸。这辆车自然并不是我开过最不舒服的车，毕竟我还开过一辆日产GT-R Nismo，但这两辆车的乘坐体验很接近。我当然会在手套箱里备上几只呕吐袋，因为如果这辆车还载有别人的话，它们一定能派上用场。
And to make matters worse it’s fitted with all the usual electronic claptrap designed to make sure you stay both on the road and legal. But whoever did the wiring has obviously never been to the Cotswolds.
而雪上加霜的是，这辆车上充斥着各种常见的电子小玩意来让你保持在路面上按照交通法规行驶。但是设计这些小玩意的人绝对没来过科茨沃尔德这样的乡野。
The idea — and this isn’t new — is that it reads the white lines along the road ahead and if it thinks you’re straying into the wrong lane it’ll take control of the steering. In other cars it’s a mild intervention and consequently it’s only mildly annoying. But in the King Crimson GV80 it’s like Tyson Fury is on the other side of the steering column. And it drove me up the wall.
这个小玩意并不新鲜的算法就是扫描路面前方的白线，当系统认为你正在偏离车道的时候就接管转向。在其他车上这个接管只是轻微地干预一下方向，所以那些车上这个系统只是轻微地有一点烦人。但在这辆“绯红之”王GV80上（绯红之王也是一支英国摇滚乐队——译注），它感觉就像是泰森·弗瑞（英国重量级专业拳击手——译注）在拧着方向盘的另一边，而且它还会把我往路边墙上推。
On a narrowish country road it is nigh on impossible not to go near the grass verge or the white line, so Tyson is wrenching the wheel this way and that, and you’re being bounced around by the mad suspension and then, every time you break the speed limit by so much as 1mph, a vivid red warning light flashes in a head-up display on the windscreen. So I was doing 51mph on a road I know well, and it felt like I was taking part in a display with the Red Arrows. Exhausting doesn’t even begin to cover it.
在一条有些狭窄的乡间小路上开车时，基本不可能不碰到路边的草地或是路中央的白线，所以说你会感受到泰森在从你的手里拧着方向盘，发了狂的悬架又把你弹得七荤八素，与此同时，每次只要你超过限定时速哪怕一公里，一盏刺眼的红色警示灯就在挡风玻璃上的抬头显示里反复闪烁。所以虽然我是在一段自己十分熟悉的路上以82公里的速度行进，我在车里感觉就好像参与了一场红箭飞行表演队的飞行演出一样。“拼尽全力”这个词完全不足以概括我的窘态。
After a little while I had to do something I’ve never done before: pull over, find my specs and spend some time working out how all the electric health and safety could be turned off. There was nothing to be done about the turbulent suspension, but eventually I shut down the speed warnings and the dashboard-mounted Tyson Fury. Which meant I completed the journey to my destination in a car that was simply horrible, rather than completely unbearable.
过了一小会之后，我不得不做了一件我之前从未做过的事：我靠边停下车，找到了我的汽车手册，费了一段工夫弄明白如何关掉这一整套电子健康安全监测系统。对于颠簸的悬架我无能为力，但我最终成功关掉了超速警报和住在仪表盘里的泰森·弗瑞。这就意味着我最终驾驶着一辆只是很糟糕而并非完全不可忍受的车到达了目的地。
Half an hour later, though, I set off on the journey home and couldn’t believe it. The car had turned all the safety features back on. Have you ever heard a cow after its calf has been taken away? It’s the sound of misery and despair, and it’s the exact noise I made when the steering wheel started fighting me again.
然而半个小时后，我启程回家的时候简直不敢相信我的所见。这辆车又重新打开了它的所有安全系统。你有听过母牛在目睹她的孩子被带走后发出的声音吗？那声音里是满满的悲哀与绝望，而我在发现方向盘又开始和我打架时发出的声音和她的一模一样。
Not that long ago Hyundai launched an executive car in Britain called the Hyundai Genesis. Then they quietly dropped it, having sold just 50 examples. It was a sales disaster and I think the GV80 will do even worse.
就在不久之前现代在英国推出了一辆名叫现代捷恩斯的行政级轿车。而在惨淡地卖出了50辆之后这辆车就匆匆退出了市场。那辆车是一场销售灾难，而我觉得这辆GV80的销量大概会更惨。
There was a four-cylinder petrol unit in my test car that was very unpowerful. But at least it was also quite carbon dioxidy. I’m told the diesel is better, but who wants a diesel these days?
我的这辆试驾车里有一台动力十分不充沛的四缸汽油发动机。但这台发动机的排放量可不小。他们告诉我柴油版的表现会更好，但这年头谁会想要一台柴油车呢？
I suppose at this point I should tell you about the rear-facing cameras that feed an image to the dash of what’s alongside the car when you turn on the indicators. I guess these mean you’re less likely to hit Jeremy Vine when turning left. But I think on balance I’d rather have a Volvo and use my mirrors. I trust mirrors. Apart from the one in my bathroom, which lies every morning.
我想写到这里我也许应该给你讲讲这辆车有几台能在你转弯时将画面放到仪表盘上的后视摄像头。我猜这个配置大概降低了你在左转的时候撞上杰里米·维恩（BBC 二套广播节目主持人——译注）的可能性。但我觉得权衡之下我宁可买一台沃尔沃并且正儿八经的用后视镜观察。我相信镜子，但安在我的浴室里的，每天早上都对我撒谎的那面除外。
The problem is that Hyundai’s trying to do something it’s not really equipped to do. A company like this trying to make an Audi-type luxury car is like McDonald’s trying to make a gourmet dinner or me deciding to write about classical music or Ferrari trying to sell hats. Actually, scratch that. Ferrari does sell hats.
问题就在于，现代汽车正在尝试着做一件它并没有能力做的事。像现代这样的公司尝试着做一台对标奥迪的豪华车就像是麦当劳尝试着搞高档晚餐，又像是我决定写一本关于古典音乐的书，还像是法拉利试着做帽子生意——不过转念一想，把最后法拉利那条划掉吧，他们确实在卖帽子。
Hyundai’s first car, assembled back in the Sixties under licence from Ford, was a left-hand-drive Cortina. And then they hired a bunch of former British Leyland bods who, being Midlanders, didn’t understand the rhyming-slang problems of calling a car the Pony. But this simple, no-nonsense machine overcame the “and trap” issue to become the bedrock on which the South Korean operation grew. And grew. And grew, until it enveloped Kia and became the third-largest carmaker in the world. And now they’ve decided that they want to make eggs to take on Fabergé. It hasn’t worked.
现代汽车历史上的第一辆车，是凭借福特的生产许可在上世纪60年代组装的一辆左舵版的福特Cortina（福特英国在1962年推出的一台紧凑级轿车，详见《伟大的旅程》第三季第十四集——译注）。在那之后现代公司雇佣了一堆来自英国利兰车厂的家伙们，尽管这些人们来自英国中部地区，他们却不明白以“小马”来称呼一台车所带来的谐音梗问题（现代于1975年至1990年间大量生产并出口了一台名为“Hyundai Pony”?（现代小马）的小型车；在英国谐音梗中“pony and trap”对应的谐音词是“crap”，即“狗屎”。——译注）。但是这台简单而又无比实用的小车成功跳过了谐音梗中“trap”的部分，作为垫脚石帮助韩国企业不断生长，发展壮大，壮大到并购同为韩国车企的起亚并获得全球第三大汽车制造商的地位。而如今这家企业却又决定要自己做鸡蛋来对抗法贝热彩蛋（俄国著名珠宝工匠法贝热为沙皇收藏家用珍稀金属、珐琅与宝石定制的69枚蛋形工艺品——译注）。
But the brief time I did spend with the Jethro Tull did help me explain why Tiger Woods failed so comprehensively to slow down once he knew a crash was imminent. I had a similar feeling as I was driving it: “Please, God, let it end.”
不过我与这辆杰特罗·涂尔（又一英国摇滚乐队——译注）一起度过的短暂时光也确实帮助我明白了为什么泰格·伍兹在知道撞车不可避免之后彻底放弃了减速。因为我在开着这台车的时候也有类似的感觉：“我的老天爷呀，赶紧结束吧。”?
翻译 / ZCF（@Franklin-C）
校对 / Meggggan
（文中图片来自网络）